Chronicles of a Completely Unperfect Mom

May 22, 2009

What Have I Done??

Filed under: PPD — Mom @ 10:07 pm
Tags: , ,

When I started this blog, I was the mother of one adorable daughter.  Now, I have a still adorable daughter and a handsome son known as Prince Charming or Bubba depending on who’s talking.  I never made a secret about the fact that I’m nowhere near perfect, in fact, I chose to celebrate the knowledge that I’m completely unperfect.

If I thought I was completely unperfect before, I’d hate to think of a term for what I am now.  I’m sure it’s normal, but at least once a day I panic, thinking there is no way in hell I can do this job.  How am I supposed to juggle two kids?  How will I make sure I’m not favoring one over the other?  How do I maintain reasonable expectations for Khaila without creating  jealousy over the attention RJ demands from me?

As much as I felt unperfect before, I feel like I was doing fairly well tossing that one ball up in the air.  Right now, eight days into being the mother of two, I feel like I have a ball I’m trying to keep in the air and the other one is rolling towards the road.  I can’t let the one ball drop, I have to protect the other so it’s not hit by a car, and I have no clue how to do both.  Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, blame it on the sleep-deprived mind of a new mom.

When I left the hospital, I felt amazing.  I was still flying high on the adrenaline of everything that had gone on in the previous three days, ecstatic to be walking out of the hospital with my new son, anxious to get home to our daughter.  Physically, I was and still am doing very well.  Over the past few days, the adrenaline and all the other hormones have worn off and I’m realizing that I more than likely have post partum depression.  

I don’t remember it being this bad with Khaila.  The difference may be due to outside situations that are going on right now or the fact that RJ is going to be my last, I don’t know.  Whatever the issue is, I need to attack this head on.  The mom I’m giving my children right now isn’t one I’m proud to be.  I don’t want my daughter asking why I’m sad and wiping the tears from my eyes anymore.  I don’t want to wipe tears off my son’s skin as I sob while feeding him.  I want to enjoy this time.  I want to continue helping Khaila grow as a responsible, well-behaved child.  

Tuesday, I will be calling my doctor.  Until then, I will lean on my husband and my family to get me through.  Post-partum depression isn’t something to be ashamed of, it’s one of the things that makes me completely unperfect.  On the other hand, being completely unperfect is part of what makes me a decent mom to my kids.  As I feel that I can, I hope to share a bit of this journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  If nothing else, it’ll make interesting reading for me someday!


1 Comment »

  1. hello, thanks for dropping by my site. i got the elmo toy from a friend… but i have seen it being sold at toy stores like toys r us.

    by the way, congratulations for your new baby!

    Comment by chris — May 23, 2009 @ 3:54 am | Reply

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