A Welcome Change

Being unperfect, I have no problem admitting that there are times I miss my pre-baby life.  I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything in the world, but it stings just a little when friends are going out to parties and I’m at home with the kids.  Tonight, it was a high school friend coming to town.

On my way home from work, I had an overwhelming urge to get home to my kids.  I worked six days this week, they were stressful days, and now I’m done for the week.  I have one day off, and then another six day week, including four days at an event we’re catering and two days finishing up the planning.  There’s some family drama going on right now that has me stressed. I have a package that’s MIA, somewhere in the USPS system (so much for 2-3 days!).  All of this combined to make me want nothing more than to get home to snuggle with my kids.

I do feel guilty for not going out with my friend, even though I would have been horribly late.  On the other hand, there’s nothing better than giving the little man his last bottle and having him fall asleep in my arms.  Well, unless you throw eating pizza, snuggling, and watching “Enchanted” with the four year old!

I’d much rather experience friend guilt than mommy guilt.  It wasn’t always that way, I used to feel I deserved the break and had no problem with the occasional night out.  Now, I can’t stand having Khaila away for more than a day (as I learned from a recent 2 night overnight with Nana) and I’d rather be home with them than out with friends.  This is a cool feeling!

Day Three

Today was day three of trying to be a more positive me.  For the most part, I’m claiming success.  There was tension when I blew not one but two fuses in the truck.  This meant that not only could I not charge my phone while we were running errands, we couldn’t open the back gate to put groceries in the truck.  Then there was the typical tension of a tired 4 year old testing her limits on the way home.

Even more than feeling calm, I’m really digging the little bits of organization and accomplishment I’m seeing.  I have NEVER been organized, just ask my parents.  My room was always a mess, I could never find anything.  Now, I’m finding places for things in my house and I’m making lists of what I hope to get done.  My living room is still clean (quite possibly a record), my bathroom has been cleared of all of the almost empty bottles, the kitchen sink is getting lonely without dishes keeping it company every night, and the coffee pot is an early riser, ready to greet me in the morning.

That brings up another point, I’m waking up in the morning!!!  Yes, I realize most of us do, and I also realize many people are morning people.  Me, I’m a sleeping people, or at least I was.  The past couple of mornings, I’ve been up bright and early without an alarm clock.  This would probably shock my dad and step-mom since I was the one who got in trouble for “multi-snoozing” when we first moved back to Wisconsin.  I’m not sure if I’m sleeping better because I’m not thinking about my messy house or if I’m not sub-consciously dreading getting out of bed only to be greeted by my clutter.  Either way, it’s nice to wake up and enjoy my morning coffee instead of having to race out of the house to get to work on time.

Tackling It From a Different Angle

I went back to working fulltime when RJ was only 2.5 weeks old.  My job is stressful, I had double mommy guilt, we had taken Khaila out of daycare, the list of contributors to a downward spiral goes on and on.  Soon, every aspect of my life was suffering from my negativity.

For this week’s “Tackle It Tuesday”, I am not choosing a household project, although that’s part of what has happened.  I’ve decided my tackle for the week is my attitude.  Yesterday, I sat at work dreading what was to come.  It was the calm before the storm and I was sure something big was building up.  Then and there, I decided that I needed to change my outlook.  I decided I was going to have a good day no matter what came my way.

First, the ice maker at work broke, meaning I had to call the boss for authorization to fix it.  Next, I found out we had to order four times what I was authorized to order if we wanted the price break.  This meant another call to the boss to tell him I was spending money that doesn’t come in as quickly as we need or would like.  While this already sounds like a true Monday, it was only starting.

Next, I had two disgruntled employees working with me.  I hate when I’m trying to stay positive and I have so much negativity around, but I managed.  After that, I realized I might not have anyone coming in for the evening shift.  When I called the employee who was scheduled and had called off his previous two shifts, I was told he had car problems and that he could come in even though the wheels may fall off his car at any time.  Since driving IS his job, I told him we’d get by without him.

After all of that and a nasty bug landing on my head, I was still letting it all roll off my back.  Not only that, but I had more energy than I’ve had in a long time.  I came home, cranked up the music, and cleaned the living room.  This may not seem huge to many people, but I had a serious case of CHAOS going on in there.  For those who have never tried FLYLady, that’s “Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome”.  By the time I was done, I loved the room enough to post a picture on Facebook.  After that, I made dinner, loaded the dishwasher, and did two more loads of laundry.

This morning, I realized the power of yesterday’s day of positivity.  I woke up refreshed, ready to get to work, ready to enjoy the morning with my family.  Today was day two of my attitude makeover.  I may not be a changed person yet, but I’m definitely changing.  I will always be unperfect, but I’m hoping to face this phase of my journey head-on and come out a better person for it.

I dare anyone to tackle their attitude and try to get through a day or two refusing to let anything get them down!

Um, What Day is It?

Wow, I don’t know if it’s because brain cells are dying because of this pregnancy or if it’s being over-worked or what, but I just posted my Wordless Wednesday post – on Thursday!  Yes, I really thought it was Wednesday.

There has been much going on that makes it easy to forget what day it is.  First, it was the first week I got two days off in over a month. Before that, days off were never consecutive, so it was a luxury.  I got so much done around the house in preparation for RJ’s arrival that I forgot I had a “real” job.  Yesterday, I woke up, got my day started, made my list of things to do, and then remembered that I had to work last night. I know I’m not cut out to be a full-time SAHM, but it was nice to play one for a couple of days!

My days off weren’t all fun and games though.  Khaila came down with a stomach bug on Saturday morning, about 5 minutes before I had to go to work. Today was the first day her appetite is really back, so I think she may finally be over the worst of it.  Saturday and Sunday were spent cradling a sick toddler, trying to help her feel better, Monday was spent watching her sleep.  Tuesday, she seemed better, so we took advantage of the wonderful day and went to the zoo.  She had fun, but was ready to be done by the time we got through about half of the exhibits.  The poor girl slept all the way home and then for about an hour after.  Today, she was finally ready to go back to school.

I’m really hoping to find a way to keep time from slipping away from me. Whether it’s the weeks and months of my pregnancy or the years of Khaila’s life, I feel the holes in this sieve getting bigger and time is going faster and faster.

Grocery Shopping and Dishes

How sad is it that I have a day off, peanut is in school, and the two things I’m looking forward to are grocery shopping and dishes?  Shouldn’t I be lounging on the couch munching on something yummy and reading one of the books about to topple over on my to-be-read pile?

Grocery shopping will be the biggest part of my day by far!  First of all, I am going to actually look in my freezer, get rid of anything that is old or my mother brought by for us because she didn’t want to eat it.  I’m actually going to make a list of things I want to buy!  I won’t have a toddler asking if it’s time to go yet.  Then, when I get to the store, I won’t have said toddler fighting me on whether or not she can sit in the basket of the cart, whining to walk, whining to be carried, etc.  I will be able to get the things on my list without her asking for everything she sees that she likes.

Damn the marketers for putting cartoon characters on snack foods!  If they were truly concerned about kids eating healthy, there would be liver packaged in a Scooby Doo wrapper!

I will also do dishes without my “helper” today.  If she could understand that the dishes I put in the rinse sink get rinsed and the dishes in the drainer are already rinsed, we’d be good.  Unfortunately, she thinks the dishes in the drainer need to be rinsed and the dishes in the rinse sink need to be washed.  You can see how this quickly becomes a problem!

Most of the time, I let her help me and I keep working with her, praying she’ll understand someday.  I don’t want to banish her from the kitchen or make her think she can’t do it.  I know that I need to savor this time when she wants to help because right around the corner the fight will change to me wanting her to do things and her refusing.

Does being a mom ever make you wonder what in the hell happened to you??

I am Unperfect and That’s Okay!

It occurred to me that I’m not alone in feeling unperfect.  In fact, I think most moms feel less than their best some of the time, even most of the time.  Rather than obsess about my unperfectness on what was originally designed to be a creative writing blog, I’ve started one that will be devoted to this “adventure”.

I plan to be frank.  I’m the mom of a toddler, life is not rosy every day.  That doesn’t mean I love her any less, I just thank God that she’s cute and that she’s mine.  Otherwise, it would be easy to see why tigers eat their young!